Everything I Can Never Have (Age & Innocence Book 2) Read online

  Rolling over, I groan into my pillow, every fucking muscle in my body aching. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I didn’t even drink that much really, just a few harmless shots. I sit up, the previous night slowly coming back to me, and the more I remember, the more I wish it was one of those instances where I couldn’t remember a thing. Unfortunately for me, I remember everything.

  Fuck, Sofie.

  Thinking about her makes the guilt twist up in my stomach like a red-hot snake. I shouldn’t have kissed her, even drunk and hurting. I’m the adult, a man old enough to be her father. The worst part is, no matter how much I want to convince myself it was the alcohol talking, I fucking loved every second of it. I loved it. The feel of her sweet, soft lips against mine, the smell of her perfume, she made me feel like a man again, like I was on top of the world. There’s an attraction there, that’s for sure. She admitted it first, looking up at me with those pretty starlight eyes and flushed cheeks, and when she kissed me…

  God, how could I not kiss her back?

  If Maria hadn’t interrupted us, there’s a good chance I would have fucked her right there on that iron table in the courtyard.

  Sighing, I reach over to the bedside table for my phone, but it’s not there. I sit up and scan the room, trying to recall the last place I had it, and then I remember. I put it next to me on the table when I was out in the courtyard last night.

  Fuck. It’s literally one thing after another at the moment.

  I use the landline in the hotel room to call the bar. I’m half-expecting my phone to have been stolen, so I’m surprised when the owner tells me it’s still there.

  “I guess you’re lucky you lost it in the courtyard where you shouldn’t have been.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that.” I wince, rubbing my head. “When can I pick it up?”

  “I’m around for the next hour. Otherwise, any time after six,” he replies.

  “I’ll come now then. What was your name?”

  “Nick.”

  I have a quick shower and catch a tram down instead of driving, because there’s probably still enough alcohol in my system to tranquillize a horse. The door is wide open when I arrive at the bar, so I walk inside.

  “Phone guy?” the guy behind the counter asks when he looks up.

  I nod and he reaches under the bar, slapping my phone down on the counter.

  “Thanks,” I scoop it up and scroll through the missed calls and messages, stopping when I see a text from Sofie.

  Sofie: Checking you’re okay after last night.

  I read her text again, not sure if she means the kiss, or my confrontation with Maria.

  I tap back a reply.

  Me: Thanks, I’m fine.

  Her reply comes back almost immediately.

  S: Glad to hear it. I was starting to think you were ignoring me after what happened…

  I turn off my phone and slide it into my pocket. I’ll deal with Sofie later, when I know how the fuck I’m going to approach what happened. Kissing her added a level of complication to my life that I really don’t need right now.

  Nodding a thanks at Nick, who is deep in conversation with some guy in a suit, I head towards the door, but I stop when I overhear something interesting.

  “You’re selling this place?”

  Nick looks up in surprise. “Yeah.” He nods. “I’m literally in the process of signing Steven on as my estate agent.”

  “What kind of price are you looking for?”

  “Are you interested?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t.”

  Nick glances at the agent, then he gets to his feet and walks over to me.

  “Three hundred and fifty thousand,” he says, waving his hand around. “Everything you see is included.”

  “And the lease?” I ask, doing some figures in my head.

  “Eleven hundred a week, locked in for the next two years.”

  Buying a bar would be stupid and reckless. So would abandoning the career I’ve spent years of my life building. Who am I kidding? I fucking hate my job, which makes buying this place feel like the sanest decision I’ve made in years.

  “Two hundred and seventy thousand,” I say. “I’ll sign whatever you want me to and walk in tomorrow as the new owner, providing my accountant is happy with your books.”

  Nick blinks at me, then turns to Steven, who shrugs. I wait, confident my offer will be accepted. He’d be a fool not to, considering how much he’d save on advertising and commission fees. Sure enough, Nick turns back to me, a wide smile on his face. He sticks out his hand and I shake it with more enthusiasm than I’ve felt in years.

  “Congratulations on your new bar.”

  Two hours later, I arrive back at my hotel room, the proud new owner of a bar. I collapse down on the bed still in shock. Did that just fucking happen? I walked into a bar looking for my phone and bought the damn place. It sounds like the start of a joke, but for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I gave up everything for my wife and my family—my dreams, my career prospects, everything. If things had gone differently, I might have been famous.

  I want to reclaim what I lost, starting with this bar, the place where, ultimately, the last remnants of my former self were put to rest. Traction is the last place that made me feel like the world was at my feet, like I could do anything.

  I have big plans for it, too. I’m going to revamp it and return it back to its former glory and make it the best place for live music. In a fantastic twist of fate and irony, Sofie is the one who helped me realise that I should start living my life for myself.

  Not my cheating wife, not the ghost of my son, but for me.

  Sofie.

  I slip my hand into my pocket and grab my phone. I at least owe her an explanation. Guilt stirs in my stomach, but I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t replied to her text or because I want to reply. Last night was a mistake, something that should never have happened, so why am I delaying the inevitable? I can tell myself it’s just innocent all I want, but the fact is, it isn’t. Nothing will ever be innocent again when it comes to Sofie and me.

  Last night made sure of that.

  Me: Hey. Sorry, I left my phone at the bar. I was surprised it was still there.

  Sofie: Must be your lucky day.

  I laugh, because if only she knew. I stop myself from telling her about my new purchase, just in case it gets back to Aaron. I know he’ll find out eventually, but I’d rather he hears it from me. He worries about me, not without reason, but I don’t want him dismissing this as a reaction to what happened between Maria and me. Hell, maybe it is, but not in a bad way.

  Maybe she gave me the push I never knew I needed.

  Sofie: You know, we have a spare room here, right? It’s conveniently located right next to mine.

  Me: You really think that would be a good idea?

  Sofie: I didn’t say it was good, but it sure would be a fun idea…

  Deep down I know I should end this now, before things get more out of hand than they already are. I could excuse feeling something for her when I was drunk, but now, sober and aware, I have no excuse. What happened last night can never happen again.

  No matter how much I want it to.

  Chapter 5

  Xavier

  A week after Sofie’s party and I’m still living out of my hotel room because Maria refuses to give up the house. Not that it really matters, considering I’m spending nearly all my time at the bar.

  Fuck.

  I still can’t get my head around the fact that I bought a bar.

  My phone beeps. I glance at it, my heart racing when I see Sofie’s name.

  Sofie: You know, we really should talk about the other night…

  We’ve been texting each other all week and while our conversations have been innocent, I know I’m treading into dangerous territory. I picture myself inside her when I’m in the shower, and when I’m drifting off to sleep. I imagine wrapping my hands around her long
, gorgeous hair, putting a hand over her mouth to silence her little moans as I fuck her hard, savouring the tight clench of her body around my cock. I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve already acted on it once. What’s stopping me from doing it again?

  How about the fact that I’m fucking married?

  Am I, though?

  I’ve made it clear to Maria that we’re over, so…

  So what?

  That gives me a clear conscience to start something with Sofie?

  No. It doesn’t.

  We can never happen. She’s Aaron’s kid which makes her permanently off-limits, no matter how over my relationship is with my wife.

  I’m about to reply to her, telling her that, when my phone rings, scaring the fuck out of me. When I’ve scraped my heart off the roof, I check the caller ID. It’s Aaron. I feel weird speaking to him after the thoughts I’ve just had about his daughter, but I answer, anyway.

  “Hey.”

  I tuck my phone between my shoulder and ear as I take stock of the supplies the previous owner left behind. His bookkeeping is pretty impeccable, his stock list completely accurate, which makes me feel better about taking over. It’s easier to move into a clean house than a messy one.

  “Hey, where are you?” Aaron asks. “I’m at your hotel room and you’re not here.”

  “Right. I’m at Traction,” I reply.

  “Traction?”

  “Yep.”

  Aaron sighs. “Okay, I’m headed over there now.”

  I hang up and rub a hand over my face at the thought of facing my friend. I shouldn’t worry; he’s always been the kind of guy who would rather have a conversation face-to-face than over the phone, even for something as boring as arranging dinner plans, but in the back of my mind I’m asking myself, what if he knows?

  No. There’s no way. Even Maria doesn’t suspect. Why would she? I’ve never been the kind of guy to act on any errant lust aside from with my wife—not that I’ve felt anything towards her in a long time. I’m loyal and I don’t fucking cheat, especially not with the barely legal daughter of my best friend. There’s no reason she would think she’d walked in on anything untoward in that courtyard. I’m sure Sofie wouldn’t tell anyone either. Still, just in case, I delete Sofie’s messages, and toss my phone back down on the counter.

  The more time passes, the further the anxiety creeps up the back of my spine and puts tension in my shoulders. I consider, briefly, having a drink to take the edge off, but I know it’s a bad idea. I need to start cutting back if I’m going to be running a business, especially one that keeps alcohol in such ready supply.

  Aaron finally arrives around half an hour later. He frowns, looking at the sign on the door flipped to CLOSED, then he shifts his attention to me. He takes in my position behind the bar, the clipboard in my hand, looking visibly confused. Then his lips twitch at the corners.

  “When you said Traction, I assumed you were getting drunk,” he jokes, coming forward and taking a seat at the bar. “What is this, a new career?”

  “Actually, kind of,” I reply. “I bought this place.”

  He blinks at me. “You what?”

  “You heard me. This place is mine.”

  His brow furrows as he rests his elbows on the bar, letting my words sink in.

  “You bought a bar?” he repeats, incredulous. “What… How… When you said you were here, I figured you meant getting drunk. I’m not sure this is much better.” Aaron snorts, but his brows furrow in concern.

  I know what he’s thinking—it’s textbook, after all. I must be suffering a midlife crisis after discovering my wife is cheating on me, leaving it all to burn behind me and buying a bar of all things. I might as well have rolled up in a red-hot Ferrari with a twenty-year-old gold digger on my arm with more tits than brains—then again, what happened with Sofie is probably worse.

  If the positions were reversed, I’d be thinking the same, but it’s not like that at all. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in control of it again. This place is mine. What I decide to do with it is my decision only, and there’s nothing Maria, her father, or anyone can do or say about it. And fucking hell, if that doesn’t feel amazing, I don’t know what does.

  “Seriously? No congratulations, or anything?” I deadpan.

  “At least you get free drinks,” he offers, lifting his shoulders.

  I grunt at his backhanded comment. Sure, my track record lately with alcohol hasn’t been great, but I’m far from being an alcoholic and he damn well knows it.

  “Technically, I’ll still be paying for them, and if you’re only here to hang shit on me, you can fuck the hell off,” I snap, glowering at him. “I’ve got a business to run.”

  He holds his hands up in a placative gesture, shaking his head. “You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re an adult who can make his own decisions.” He sounds condescending as hell, but I let it slide. “I actually need a favour,” he hedges. I lift my eyebrows. Aaron asking me for a favour. How the wheels have turned. “I have a work thing…” He stares down, drumming his fingers together against the back of the knuckles on his other hand like he always does when he’s nervous. “I need to go overseas for a few weeks. I don’t want to leave Sofie alone—”

  “No.” I know what he’s going to ask, and the word flies out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

  “Just like that you’re saying no?” Aaron’s eyebrows shoot up in confusion, like he can’t understand why I wouldn’t want to help him out. “But she’s like a daughter to you.”

  I wince at his choice of words, another wave of guilt and anger rising inside me, fighting each other for the spotlight. She might have been like a daughter to me once, but not now. Not after last week. I’ve spent so much time putting up walls around myself, pushing everyone away, including my wife. Including Sofie.

  Aaron is the only son of a bitch stubborn enough to climb them these days, a trait he apparently passed on to his wilful, gorgeous daughter. Seeing her the other night was like seeing her for the first time. It’s the most honest I’ve been with myself in a long time. But why did it have to be her? Even one of her barely legal friends would have been better than her, because at least then I wouldn’t be betraying the only friend I have left.

  “I’m living out of a hotel room,” I finally remind him, my brain scrambling for any excuse it can think of.

  “Even better,” Aaron says, grinning. “You can stay at my place. Beats living out of a suitcase, right?”

  Only technically.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I murmur.

  Christ, being around Sofie all the time, in her own fucking house?

  There’s no way… I’m not a fucking saint, and she’s quite possibly the devil.

  “Look, you just bought a business. This shit is gonna be expensive, and there’s no sense pissing away all of your savings in a hotel room when I’m going to have an empty house just sitting there. Come on, Zave, I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t need your help,” Aaron says, his voice getting a little harsher, betraying his annoyance. I sigh, and his expression softens, like he can sense I’m about to cave. “Please.”

  I rub a hand over my face, wishing I could think of something that made more sense than any excuse I’m able to give him. I can’t tell him that I kissed his daughter, or that I was about two seconds away from fucking her senseless, or that I’ll probably want to do it again. I can’t tell him that she’s hot as fuck, tempting as hell, and that I’m a bad person for not being able to resist her. I can’t tell him any of that—though if I did, it would probably get me out of this mess—because he’s asking for my help and I owe him that much.

  God knows how many times he’s been there for me. He was there when I got married. He was there when the nights got dark and I got broody about losing my music. He was there after Maria miscarried, when I was supposed to be the man and not show any emotion. He was there when Dylan died, when I blamed myself, when I had to man the fuck up and move on, even
though it felt like my world had caved in. He’s always been there for me.

  Now I owe it to him to get my shit together and help him out.

  “Okay,” I finally say.

  He nods, his lips twisting into a smile. “Thanks, man. I really owe you one.” I don’t say anything to that because we both know he owes me nothing. “I have to run, but I’ll give you a call later. Thanks again, man. You’re a lifesaver.”

  He gets to his feet, clapping me on the back before walking out and leaving me alone to digest what the fuck I just agreed to. Fuck. What the hell was I thinking? There is no way this is going to end well for anyone.

  The door opens. I figure it’s Aaron again, until I hear the brisk click of heels strutting across the wooden floor. I look up to see Maria walking towards me and my eyes narrow, my upper lip curling back in a hateful sneer. She mirrors my glare, looking around the bar before turning her nose up and perching her perfectly manicured fingers on her slender hips.

  “So, it’s true?” she asks, her voice sharp. “You really bought this shithole?”

  I don’t remember her ever sounding like such a fucking bitch, but maybe that’s what happens when you’re choking on another man’s cock more often than your own husband’s.

  “Who told you?” is all I ask.

  “If you wanted to keep it a secret from me, you shouldn’t have used our family solicitor and accountant,” she sneers.

  That’s a fair point, but to be honest, I’m glad she knows. Maybe she’ll get it through her thick skull that we’re over.

  “What do you want, Maria?” I sigh.

  “I want to know what the hell is wrong with you.” Her shrill voice echoes through the room. “Buying a bar, Zave, of all things?”

  “You used to love shit like this,” I reply, just as icily. “Remember how we met—”

  “Yes, the first day in a long history where you ruined my life,” she scathes.